Is Being An Outsider A Choice?
I was having a good conversation with a few friends one night about the blog and about my viewpoint of feeling like an outsider in Richmond’s GLBT community. One of the people said, “Well don’t you kinda choose to be an outsider?” It got me to thinking.
I think that when I first moved to Richmond I tried… maybe a little too hard, to fit in. When I lived in Detroit, I worked at 2 of the “hotspots” and it was always a huge circle of friends, parties, and social opps. Moving to Richmond, I think I was under the impression that it shouldn’t be that difficult to find a group and feel my nitch again. Maybe my ego prevented me from really getting to know people? I also think that I expected Richmond to embrace a new member of the community with wide open arms. When they didn’t, I think that my pride was hurt a little and I became bitter.
What I will say is that Richmond is very different from any other town I have lived in or visited. Maybe it is a southern thing, maybe it is just this town – I don’t know. What I do know is that if you are from Richmond, you will have an easier time being accepted. That seems pretty clear not only in the gay community, but in pretty much ANY community here. There is a certain power that those of Richmond blood have. But as I talk to more people, I hear a mix of reactions. Some agree with the things that I have said – they have tried, but to no luck. Others have found their nitches pretty easily.
For me, personally, the other adjustment I have had to make is that Richmond doesn’t really have the social outlets that a lot of other cities have. When I lived in Detroit there were sports teams, Pride events, film festivals, comedy festivals, and just a large, OUT community. I have been to some of the events here and they are always small crowds. The outlets in Richmond seem to be the bars, gay.com, and the other online sites. For me, this has been hard to get into, because I am not a bar person and since I sit at a computer all day at work, sitting at the computer when I get home gets really boring.
Another challenge for me is that in large social settings, I am very shy (which people who know me never believe, but it is true). I also avoid the bars, because in large, loud settings – I can’t hear what people are saying. So, when I do venture out to the bar, I usually just stand and people watch – which people view as me being stand-offish. But again that is just me.
So… what to do? I guess that’s where I am left now – wondering how to make something happen naturally and organically, when I don’t really have a want to utilize the outlets that seem to be the most effective.
Thoughts? Comments? Let me know.
If you also feel like an outsider, what have you done to try to change this? What do you think has helped? Are there more outlets out there that maybe others aren’t aware of?
My situation is similar to yours in that I moved to a new city where I didn’t know anyone. Making good friends is more difficult than just meeting people, especially for those of us who are naturally a little shy. But, we have to put ourselves out there and make an effort to meet people if we have any hopes of making a few good friends.
For me, meetup.com has been a great place to meet others in my same situation, and I am continually surprised by the number of moms in the city who moved here for their husband’s work and who stay home with their children, but who feel isolated and alone. Just recently a meetup was posted for people in exactly that situation, and it filled within hours, with a waiting list 30 people long. It seems like no matter who you are or where you come from, feeling like the black sheep is natural when you’re first getting to know people. It took me several meetups to realize that the moms that I thought were friends with each other outside of meetups were just like me, people who came to a meetup to meet people in similar situations. Many of them had met the first time at the meetup where they had seemed like old friends to someone on the sidelines, and it just made me realize that standing back and being shy isn’t going to make me any friends. If I want friends I’m going to have to engage people and walk into these meetups like I know everyone and they’re all my best friend. By doing this, I’ve met a couple moms that I feel I might develop friendships with and that I do playdates with, but for me the next big step is extending myself and calling them outside of a meetup to grab a coffee or something and I have a difficult time with that.
Isn’t it odd how friendship seems to come from the very same paths as dating? Sometimes when posting introductions in these groups I feel like I’m posting a singles ad!